This may very well be my last post if Xanga ceases or not. I thought i should write on my date with the Russian today. Well, I took a chance when he sent me a text, asking me if i liked to cycle on the trails in the evening today and i thought why not…! Just that i looked really casual with tank top and without make-up. It went well but there was a lack of chemistry and all i could think off was ‘A’ but i gotta stop thinking bout ‘A’ and it has to be a two way street and i guess the lack of communication today would be good not giving him any attention. He ought to know what it feels like to miss me…

I met with a little accident while cycling. i was cycling down the pier taking in the views and accidentally crashed on to someone else.. It was bad, but i was mostly shocked and light headed when it happened. The Russian was surprised when he turned back and quickly cycled back and took such care of me. It was sweet, we sat and mostly chatted with him being the chatter and i was just gazing at the stars. It was quite romantic but just not with the right person sadly. I can’t believe it… Mr Russian’s actually 41. He’s a software engineer at Citibank. He did tried to get close and i just held on to my shirt if he was gonna go for the hands holding while we were strolling… haha

Everyone says, in a relationship.. It’s always, just that one person that will be on to it then the other which is sad.. I wanna be in love with someone, who loves me just as much…  I don’t feel anything at all for the Russian.. He did spend a lot on me today like bicycle rental, food, wine. I offered to go dutch but he insisted on paying and found me weird and told me.. ”Please, this is how Europeans are like.. I don’t know how Australians does on dates but this is just basic chivalry” and i just said ”okay…” haha and we got a cab back home and he insisted on dropping me home.. I’m not used to all this kindness! :/

I really miss ‘A’ and it’s not even on appearance, i just really like him a lot and i don’t even know why but than again, talk is cheap! What are your thoughts of being the giver or taker in love??

Doesn’t Mr Russian have the ‘Antonio Banderas’ look going on esp with his hair???

How has everyone’s week been? So much happened… Well it was my mom’s birthday not too long ago and ‘A’ dropped her a text and wished her. I told my mom a little about ‘A’…. I now like him even more than i liked him yesterday.. Is this normal????? I just feel that it’s not even an option to think bout leaving… I was suppose to meet the Russian yesterday but i just couldn’t do it. I just like ‘A’ wayyyy too much. I’m frightened and i feel like crying a little.. Why does this feel somewhat like a fearful territory and.. I’m scared to be in love. I can’t take another heartbreak. I go from an all time high to an all time low on some days… :/

I got a little crazy yesterday and over reacted. Okay, I wayyyy over reacted when he liked a picty of a stripper om fb. I send him a couple of text messages asking him like how could he say he loves me when he actually don’t, and it feels so right yet so wrong and i won’t compete with loose women and left it as that… he rung in the morning and i didn’t wanna answer. I felt a little calmer in the arvo and replied back to his text saying, he speaks on marriage and he liked a stripper’s pic?? He replied saying well strippers are people too, and why am i being judgmental and i said, ”well she does look hot in lingerie”’ and he was saying, if i would believe it that she’s a lawyer…

…..Yeah good going stripper is smart and hot! I gotta admit i got a wee bit jealous!!!!

WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I AM IN LOVE….! Im not sure if i like this cos i’m freaking out that someone actually likes me and now that he’s seen how crazy and psycho i can be and still likes me… :/

I bailed out on the Russian yesterday saying, i’ll meet him up another time soon and he’s been sending me texts at such ungodly hour which got me so annoyed, so i sent him back an angsty text back saying ”i don’t mean to be rude but your not my best friend, my family member or neither my bf to be dropping me a text me at such late hours… I hope it’s a case of drunk texting and i’m not impressed!”

I just love A too much now!!!! I need to meet and catch up with my lawyer friend Ro & nothings like hanging out with girlfriends sharing choc over relationship talks. I also need A BIG GIANT HUG

Love you all to the moon and back my favourites and i must thank the Greek for encouraging me to update on my post since i was still up at 4am fretting over life!

Big love and hugs xxx

Thursday, after sending phillip off at the airport. I was slightly tipsy from all that beer and decided to catch the train back home and was slightly disoriented.. I get lost easily here.. Its a typical ‘Mel’ thing.. So I asked the closest person next to me for direction.. “Is this the train going towards Jurong East.’

The guy whom I asked for direction wasn’t a local but thought he would know, like I said, I was tipsy. I Just wanted to heed back home. Turns out, he’s from Russia and he lived in San Fran for years, so we chatted for a bit, thru the train journey, mostly him telling me bout himself and I was Just staring blankly at his stubble and his curly wurly hair. He asked for my no ‘to keep in touch’ and I was gonna give him a fake no and he was like, ‘can u send me a text now on your phone’ and I’m like WTF?!…

I don’t understand, I guess I Just picked myself up a Russian man…And so, I got a date this Fri night with the Russian. Apparently train rides are now the place to pick up women… :/

Things with A is getting slightly intense but I dunno how its gonna work out. He’s really sweet, he got this thing called ‘insanity’ a workout regime shipped from the US and I know he’s also doing it for me and Phil was saying.. He’s in love to be calling me almost everyday cos he’d never called anyone everyday! Haha

Ive already told A what my stands are and he’s fine with it…. He cant see me as a friend but that’s not my problem right..? At times, I’m fearful to fall deeply and what if I love him more thn he does.. I want a guy who loves me more thn I could love him. I no I’m selfish in that sense… I like A! There’s something bout him, I’m not sure what, and he’s been thru a lot hard times growing up, I can empathise having been thru difficult childhood times. I feel like I can be myself around him… I dunno?!

I’m not ready to be in an exclusive relationship, yet at times, I feel its time now to settle down and heed back to Australia. Singapore’s lovely but not a place I see myself living in…unfortunately.

I miss Perth. <3

I’m just sad. I know it’s not right to compare with what others have but it’s not fair. I want a family of my own too. I want to go thru the process and joy of being preggers and having a loving husband by my side.

I wanna say I lived each day but are we truly living or just killing time? Ah well, Wine & Chocolate will have to do.. For now, I suppose :/

On a slightly cheerful note… Eeeee Phil will be touching down in a couple of hours & Ive found this nice place for drinks…. Looks pretty good!

I thought it would be another Lonely Friday nigh but Ryan, my mate from Perth called saying he was in town for just a day and if I liked to meet for drinks. Of course, I said yes! I excitedly packed my shit up from the centre, I usually chilled out at to get away from home & to use the wifi to download stuffs… but after Ryan called, I hurriedly took off and left my charger behind, suffice to say, its stolen but there’s the CCTV to check but apparently only the police could view it so I dropped by the police station today slightly amused thinking the cops gonna take a crack out of it.. cos It does sound pretty funny.. but there was a cabby reporting a case of a passenger not paying the cab fare of $22.50.. I felt Sooooo much better and besides, its not like Singapore police have a lot of work to do! Haha

Poor cop, he was prob intimidated by me with how I insisted that CCTV are there for a reason and how I demand it to be viewed and the matter be investigated with a straight face and he made some calls and so they will be looking into the matter of my ‘stolen laptop charger.’ lol

Anyway, Phil, my mate, from Melb will be stopping over sing on Thurs for a couple of hours. I’m excited to catch up with him and hear updates of the girls in his life and tell him bout ‘A, Its so good to have a guy’s perspective on stuffs and I trust Phil. We’re gonna eat lots of food like black pepper crab, sambal stingray, satay, rojak, beef hor fun… I’m gonna get him to try all these local Singaporean food and pub crawl a bit for drinks. He’ll be flying off to Turkey. I’m so jelly, I told him to take me along and how I’m small and compact but he said my boobs won’t fit and would cost him a lot! lol jerk az (: He also got a spare laptop charger and we’ve been chatting blatantly about laptop holes… and what fits sounds dirty but only with Phil! We talk stuffs with pure class.. Haha Ooooh I hope he brings me krispy kreme too along with the charger.

Everyone’s travelling.. I’m contemplating on heeding to Perth in August to suprise my bestie on her birthday, sort out my tax claims and catch up with old mates. I really miss Perth a lot. Singapore’s lovely but Perth is home. I can actually see myself living in Perth for the rest of my life. I feel kinda trapped in here, nobody understands me and I don’t like it here…  The only thing that keeps me going is my awesome church, I’ve grown so much but my heart aches to return back to Perth. I miss life in Perth. I even miss the dodgy aboriginals.

I’m gonna just keep confessing this o’er and o’er.. and if words have such power. Let it be true! Thank you Jesus. I’m (Melissa Gerard is) heeding back to Perth for good. Thank you Jesus. Thank you. You make all things work for my good. Thank you! Thank you I’m moving back to Perth. Amen

At times, I just wanna know who Jesus is for my own than hearing/reading from other sources. I do agree with pastors of who/what Jesus is…but

My previous post, i wrote about the doubts i had, i still have them and after much thought, I’ve decided to strike him off without owing him any explanation and drop him like a hot potato. In the first place, i wasn’t even looking for a relationship, i just wanted a friend and i was perhaps getting too flirty friendly and things progressed way too quickly with him saying the L-Word time and time again, which got me thinking, if he really meant it….?

Love…Which love? The Eros kind of love that comes from the word Erotic or the Agape Love which is the kind of love which is the self sacrificial kind?! o_O

Gotta admit, he was smooth going biblical with me, and there was all that signs of a player. He rung on Sunday night saying he was at the cas and that he loves me and misses me, i was feeling sleepy, so i wished him luck and told him to have fun at the cas and that i’m gonna shower and sleep. It was already late. Monday morning, i received a missed call and a text from him and replied with a text saying that i love him too but not in the way he thinks but of with an earnest heart of honoring and respecting him. I missed his call yet again, got caught up with work and stuffs, i also had an Interview to prepare for yesterday for a PA position and send him a text saying, i’d call him later and left it as that…

After the interview, i caught up with an old friend, felt sad hearing him share about how he misses his ex-gf and how he’s settling for this girl who he’s with now because he doesn’t want to be alone and that he’s 33 and can’t stop thinking about the ex who’s moved on, i was just listening and thinking bout how, I’d not want a guy to settle for me. Matters of the heart are such a fragile delicate thing, it just messes up with your head. I did gave him my two cents worth tho that he wasn’t being fair to the girl who he’s with. He claimed, he loves her but just not in that kind… :/ So there you go, that’s the Eros kind of love… I dunno bout you guys but hearing stories like this has made me wary of relationships more than anything.

Anyhow, I went on fb to check for updates, mostly (stalking to see what my ‘A’ is up to) and found A’ online, so i dropped him a msg saying, “i’m free now if he wanted to talk” but no response and saw him going on and off on fb. This happened for quite a while, him being online, offline and online,and then with a status update saying, that the time is passing slowly.. like [He could put up a frigging status update but not reply to my msgs?!] (JERK) Feeling mischief, i send him a text asking him to come on Skype, saying, that’ i just bought this white lace bra and wanted to show, and know what he thinks’.. That surely got his attention right away! He replied almost immediately saying ‘coming on now’….and, when he got on to Skype, I deleted him and felt Soooooo Gooooood and Victorious! Hahaha! Cheap thrill but he’s still around.

Edit: I could not bear to completely strike him off, so when he called, I answered and we talked for a while and he asked me to get on Skype and was a bit surprised to find out we weren’t mates anymore, I changed the subject quickly without making an issue out of it. lol (Quick thinking saves the day) 

Well, with the two kinds of love, regardless how horny i may be. I’d rather have the Agape kind of love. A love that truly satisfies. 

So, The story continues….  With ‘A’  I don’t wanna put my hopes up but… He seems like a really great guy. A Man’s man and i’d like him as my guy but i dunno.. Maybe its better us being mates.. Hahaha I know, i can be frustrating and fickle at times….

 I just don’t wanna have a broken heart and take years nursing it back. It’s actually better to have a broken arm or leg than a broken heart! lol