June 16, 2013

• Flashbacks- Edit

  Father’s day is here yet again, a tingle of sorrow sweeps over me as i write this thinking of the last couple of hours of the memories of him etched in my mind. This stupid heated argument we had, in the afternoon, was trivial and just blown out of proportion. I was fuming and lamenting, of the misery he’d caused us through over the years, there was nothing he could say or do to justify himself, he could only contain his anger. I’m sure deep inside, he must have felt horrible. I stared at him with eyes filled with anger, resentment that were beyond description and stormed out of the house seethed in anger, pains me to write that My last words to him was ”I HATE YOU” instead of I LOVE YOU!

  I couldn’t stop my tears from streaming down my cheeks while i was out. When you love someone so deeply, it hurts… It cuts like a knife.

  When, I returned home that night, I never thought that day would be the last time, I’d ever see him or the quarrel we had would be the last quarrel we ever had. I went straight to J’s room and woke her up to bitch about dad. My sister has always been a great listener, an introvert she may be but an awesome sister she was, and also my best friend, nobody understood me better than her. I went back to my room afterwards, and fell deep asleep and hours later, mom came knocking on my room door, saying dad, couldn’t breathe. He was standing by the window catching his breath. I asked him if he wanted to go to the hospital, he shook his head and refused stubbornly, only after much convincing, he agreed to at least have this checked out, I swiftly got out of the house and realised, I didn’t had my bra on and went back home to change. (If I had not bothered to change, maybe he’d still be alive) I went down quickly to flag for a cab, there wasn’t any that stopped by our way, time was just ticking and dad lost his balance and slipped and fall to the ground, a cab came by and stopped but it was a Mercedes cab which is usually unreasonably priced and i didn’t think it was worth the money, up to this day, I can’t forgive myself for it, had I just taken that damned mercs cab, maybe just maybe, he’d still be alive! 

  In my heart of hearts, I never thought my dad’s condition was anything serious, he had this problem once months ago, before i left to India and thought this was the same thing. He just smokes too much. When that cab left, I took my dad’s phone to see if there was anyone, I could call, I saw a name on his contact list that sounded awfully familiar and thought it was his  close friend and turned out it was his relative and father wasn’t too please and quite angsty with me calling him. He had not spoken to his family for ages and seconds after that, part of his body was paralyzed and he was was breathing quite heavily. I believe, dad had a heart attack and I triggered it but I didn’t know it was a heart attack then. What would I know? I was just an angsty rebellious teen. I just thought he was being really noisy gasping for air and I don’t know why I refrained from giving him his inhaler, I couldn’t think straight! I’d already called for an ambulance and we were just waiting for the paramedics to arrive, it took a while and  after some time, it got eerily quiet, a haze of fear surrounded me, my senses was numbed. I just cried sensing something wasn’t right and hugged him… 

  Panic stricken, i called this friend from church crying to her sounding all panicky. I just thought (hoped), believed my dad was unconscious and that when the ambulance came, they’d be able to revive him. The paramedics came and took him, we couldn’t go along, also it was during the SARS period, we reached the hospital before the ambulance did, we had to wait outside and the lady nurse came out walking towards us with her ‘rehearsed scrip’ saying, ‘’Doctors have been trying to revive him but he’s not responding to CPR, and be prepared for the worst.’’

  I called that same adult friend of mine there and then to pray, and we prayed together. I consoled my mom telling her it’ll be okay and minutes later, the lady nurse came back again. I was expectant of the news that my dad would be okay but my heart leap to my throat hearing those few words, ”this day, and time, my dad has passed away” whatever she said hit me like a bombshell. I needed to sign his death certificate…… How could that be?? All of us were too dumbfounded for words, I could not bring myself to weep in front of mom and esp my sister who was looking up to me following me around. I told mom not to cry in front of her and we just kept our emotions in check without being able to cry. Jenny was just too young. I had to be strong now for them both. My friends called me up and some of them came by to the hospital for support and so did the uncle and his family, I rung earlier. It was still early in the morning. My dad’s body was now in the mortuary, the most painful part was to claim and identify my father’s body and to see to his funeral arrangments, informing relatives/ people whom i don’t even know of his demise.

  Life is so unpredictable. I really wish, i could take back whatever i said, cos even if he wasn’t the best dad ever, he was still my daddy. He did tried to be a better man and nobody would give him that chance to. I didn’t and i didn’t want to.S

  I miss you Soooooo much papa! It wasn’t easy raising me up and you did the best way you knew how. I love you so so deeply.

  Happy Father’s Day! X

  • 6:26 am
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